Monday, October 8, 2012

Tightening the screws

Just so I didn't feel like the universe had forgotten me and because my weekend was so...uneventful. Friday October 5th I drove over the hill to have lunch with Tymn.

I had no idea what to expect, no idea what we might talk about, no idea whether we would be in tearful puddles again or if by chance we might have an argument.

I mean the Astrology for the week was astounding! 3 planets changing signs and two others going retrograde all in a matter of 5 days! Mercury was heading in to Scorpio, anything to do with Mercury affects our communications. While the sign Scorpio tends towards intensity, hidden feelings and sometimes that good ol' scorpion sting.
But on the other hand Venus had just shifted in to Virgo, our planet of relationships in the sign of organizing, precision, kindness and in some cases critical judgments.
I just didn't know what to expect!

I was nervous at first but then I was terribly early, all my morning chores were done so I wound up navigating the hill and sitting in my car for a half hour playing on FB. There I noticed that Tymn had posted that he was sick, oh noes. I shot him a message that if he was too sick we could reschedule. But he didn't take me up on it.

I spent the next half hour reading a book in the restaurant, by this time my nervous jitters had worn off and I was mellow. Tymn showed up and we ordered lunch, he seemed nervous but we quickly settled in. We talked, chatted, exchanged stories. I was just so curious to see how he was doing, I asked most of the questions until he realized he was rambling. :) Then I related some of what was going on for me. By this time we were done eating, he offered to pay the tab, so I paid the tip. But we were not really done chatting so we went for a walk.

We talked about some more stuff, some just chatter, some of it was a little more emotional. I had this conception that he must have really talked bad about me because there was this woman who had contacted me wanting more info about our Open Circles. When I gave her the information and told her I was excited to meet her she back peddled, told me she was one of Tymns friends and did not want any contact with me.
I felt certain that she was just one of many I would get that response from in the new community he was building in the SJ area. I was saddened by my hurt feelers. But Tymn explained that this specific person had been a counselor and intimate friend, that she alone had heard some of his inner most pain and stories of our relationship and separation. That was a relief, however I am certain that there are others in his group of friends and family that would not be kind to me if I were to run in to them on my own.

It was then that we reached the park, we sat on a bench, but that makes it hard to speak face to face so we were both sitting funny to face each other. Do you know that park benches are not designed for comfort?!
After a few minutes Tymn scooched closer and took my hand. It felt good, a positive way to connect energies while dealing with all this crazy emotional shit we were talking about. We stayed like that for quite a while, holding hands until one of us needed to gesticulate to make a point, but then returning to holding hands. It was really nice to see him clearly, to look in to his eyes and see both the pain, joy and sincerity there. My heart cracked open a little further.

I suddenly realized that in none of his stories did he mention his partner??? I asked about that and he hedged at first then related to me that they were on different healing paths at this time. I'm not certain what it all means but my guess is they are not as close as they once were. Or perhaps she does not agree with his reconnecting with me. Either way it seemed a little sad to me and to watch him speak of it he looked quite sad about it himself.

Although we were having a grand time chatting and talking my rump protested the damnable bench and the awkward sitting position so we started to walk back but down a different street. We held hands as we walked, giggling at how we couldn't decide whether to hold under or over. At one point we switched sides and every thing felt better. Silly, so silly.

Again I got the feeling we were not quite ready to be done talking when he whirled me around and gave me a huge hug! awwww, it was so sweet! My heart cracked open a little more. I noticed a nice spot in the shade along someones hedge just down the way where we could sit and finish our chat. When we sat Tymn suddenly wilted! I was worried that he had over extended himself while sick but then it appeared to be more of an emotional retreat. I asked him what was wrong and in usual Tymn fashion he danced around answering me. He caught himself doing it, laughed and finally answered me straight. The feelings of affection were overwhelming him and at the same time the unknown territory of our newly forged friendship as well as the status of his current relationship all collided in his mind. Hmmm

We had a long discussion of relationship styles, contracts and the like, it was good, it was solid. It spanned the here and now and our history with out creating too much friction. I was having a great time, food a walk, a few tears, healing touch and a lot of laughs. The opportunity to look upon the face of the man that was once my husband, a trusted partner who at one point had hurt me deeply. No, no one in my clan would understand my deep desire for affection with this man but here and now it was like a first date. I let it be what it was going to be, who knows when we would see each other next, who knows what topics we might cover then. But I have hope, I hope that we can mend the places where we did work well together. And for those things in our relationship that did NOT work well in the past I hope we can forgive one another for the hurt it caused and move on.

We held hands on the way back to the parking lot and gave each other a long hug, hearts and minds searching for whatever kind of connection was possible.

I grinned like a fool all the way to the fabric store, spent way too much money and then drove back over the hill. Along the way I got a text from Tymn thanking me for a lovely lunch. I just sort of floated home.

Saturday morning I had a dream that woke me. It was about Zoe and all the love we once shared. I lay awake in the dark hours of the morning crying, trying to think of a way to bring this up next time I talk with Tymn. I don't want him to think I'm just being nice so that I can see her again. In fact I am much more relieved that we can be friends than whether or not I get to resume a relationship with Zoe. I had told myself years ago when he put down the law that I was to have no contact with her that I was willing to wait until she was old enough to come see me on her own. She has grown and although I'm sure she still regards me with affection she is her own person now, with her own goals and things to keep her occupied.
But I really wish I could call her or talk to her at length on FB or something. I hope her father has told her that we are working on making peace.

Skot found me on the couch around 8am reading to keep myself from crying. He cuddled me and petted my hair. Then Aya came in and we pulled her in on top of us, she must be all of 35#'s now. Skot got up to make coffee and tucked her in with me telling her I needed some extra snuggles this morning. I cried in to her hair, thinking of another little blonde girl who once used to snuggle me on the couch. My heart cracked open a little more.

Gawds healing is uncomfortable at times!

More screws in the head

The weekend after seeing my Sis, Skot and I drove to Santa Barbara for his cousins Wedding.
I had not been back to SB in nearly 20 years since I lived there with my first husband.

So I got to give Skot the abbreviated tour from the Highway. This exit is where I used to live, this exit is where I used to work, that exit was where I used to go for lunch, yadda yadda. All the while I'm running the tapes in my head of all the time I lived there, the things I learned, the things I wish I could forget.

We got in to town and stopped at the very first restaurant we saw, a little Mexican place in Carpintiria. Then we checked in to our hotel, freshened up, changed clothes and bolted back out the door. We arrived at the location but suddenly realized we had no idea 'where' the in this place the wedding was at.
After dashing around the front of the hotel we saw the bride...down the street with her gaggle of brides maids. We strode off at a brisk pace noting the wedding pavilion off in the distance on the beach. We made just in time, the family that recognized us grabbed us up in hugs and greetings and drew us off to sit on the Grooms side near the front. Hence the fabulous photo I got!

After the wonderfully crafted slightly bohemian Jewish ceremony we all trotted off to the reception area, upstairs in the hotel. We ate, we drank, drank some more, ate again, a little bit of dancing. All in all a good night.

The next morning I took him up the mountain to a vista point totally worth it! We were there for about 45 minutes. Just as we were about to leave I noticed the gas tank was empty...oops. We had to drive back in to Goleta to get gas but decided that a trip by Lake Cachuma was not to be missed so we went back over the pass, stopped for lunch by the lake then drove on Home.

A magical trek through California at the peak of Indian Summer. We noticed miles upon miles of vineyards as well as miles and miles of  vegetables. Truly we live in a fertile land.

This trip was not as mind blowing as the last two but I did get to mull over and process a chunk of my emotional history.

Keeping it together

Well if one mind blowing event wasn't enough try 3 or 4 in a row!
#1 After making an initial pass at Peace between me and my ex-husband. I traveled to Sac to see what my sister was up to.
It's been a while since I'd seen my Sis and I had heard that her and her Hubby had opened a new Yoga studio. Yoga? really? I mean they used to teach aerobics together, about 20 years ago! But Yoga, in my opinion is not just a set of body movements to get muscle tone so ... what were they up to?

She invited me to come up on Saturday to a little music festival but it turned out to be a fundraiser and Skot and I had just had the most expensive 60 days in our entire 5 years together! (the dog, the river trip, the car needing repair, D's Bday parties x 2, the internet provider, the phone line, the hot water heater blowing up and the refrigerator needing repair) We were broke!

Then my sister did some thing she has never done before... she used guilt. "I never ask you for anything, please come, I will pay your way."
Blown away! This must be really important to her so yes we are going.

We drove the 200+ miles to get to her and experience a fun little festival at someones ranch house. Butch and Chel had set up a booth for the Yoga studio and gave a prize to the Raffle pool. We had a good time, I got to visit with Chelly and go shopping at the little booths. But I had yet to understand why this in particular was so important to her.

It was after the dinner hour and we had munched on yummy savory crepes that the singer Chelly had been talking about came on. She was very sweet and sang some very moving spiritual songs, mostly in native american and then in Sanskrit, if she could have gotten everyone to sing with her it would have been a Kirtan. To my everlasting surprise when she came on she got everyone to OM with her and my Sis was right there with it. To my continuing surprise she also sang along with the sister singing Sanskrit!

#2 She explained to me later that the singer had performed at their studio, had taught everyone the words and then Chelly bought her CD. So she had been practicing. I was awed this was not what I had expected.
Later back at the house we had a late dinner and chatted it up with Butch. He was excited to get us to the studio the next morning. I was being a total wimp and explained that I am a very lazy and slow practitioner of Yoga, could I please sit in the back and just take my time. That is when Butch blew my mind with one of the kindest and wisest statements I have ever heard him say. "It's ok Mik that's why they call it a Yoga Practice, not a Yoga Perfect." I busted up laughing.

So right he is and that statement has kept me smiling all the way home.

The next morning we trouped off to the studio an absolutely gorgeous place (of course since my sister put in all the decorations) we 'practiced' in a 90 degree room, the sweat was pouring off of me and Skot but we had a good experience.

After lunch we drove home, well Skot drove, I snoozed!

I love my Sister and am so glad she has found a spiritual path!