Sunday, April 21, 2013


Yesterday I helped to lead the walk for Community Seed down at Wilder ranch. We had a small group of people only six. But it was a good group of people. The six of us took hands encircled up, meditating before we left for our walk. The beginning of the trail was warm and sheltered between two thick rows of bushes.

Further along the trail we reached the headlands where we could see the ocean, and hear the sound of the waves crashing against the cliffs. We wandered our way along the cliffs for about half an hour where we reached our side path that leads down into the Fern grotto cave. Everyone entered the cave with awe and reverence, the beauty of this place is overwhelming. We sat and shared our experiences along the walk, then shared a snack. Then we returned to the main path and headed for the railroad tracks. The tracks have been unused for many years in the greenery of mother Earth is reclaiming what is hers. There are bogs with reeds along the sides of the railroad tracks that are filled with frogs and pollywog's. And on the warm ground between the tracks with all its hiding holes is populated by a host of different sized lizards.

Our group returned to its point of departure in a little under two hours, we took hands and re-circled. Taking a few moments to breathe deeply and let the energy of earth, sea and sky fill our souls.

Woke up bright and early this morning. The sun was up no fog to be found. I felt refreshed and ready to just bounce out of bed and begin my day.

I got dressed quietly so as not to wake up my partner. Slipped out into the quiet morning. I started by feeding the chickens, the babies were swirling around my ankles. The rest of the flock just wanted to be released into the run. As soon as I released the adults chickens the babies crowded around the feeder. After spending about 10 minutes with the baby chickens I left the coop and checked on the rabbits.

Jet looks very sullen at the end all by himself now that Bunbun has passed away, Ditto was quietly munching on her hay, Mama Say has been pulling belly fur out preparing a nest for her upcoming litter of babies, it has made quite a mess. Pappa Ghost has some pretty bad skin disorder, he looks as if he has really bad dandruff. I will need to brush him again.

After checking on all the feathered and furry babies, I went out to the front yard to check on my green growing babies. The tomatoes are getting very tall. However on one side of the garden box there was a giant kale plant that was shading the first two tomatoes. So this morning I harvested half of the kale plant after watering the tomatoes thoroughly. In the next box over, my volunteer squash plants are doing quite well. The self seeded string beans are coming back after being attacked by snails, and the brand-new corn seems to have rooted nicely in the fresh soil.

I'm excited to get started on planting in my new planter box, it's huge! My beloved built me a garden box 6' x 14' and 2 feet deep. Today he will fill one half of that with dirt and compost. Then perhaps next week I will be able to put plants in it.

With the fresh eggs from our own chickens and vegetables from our own garden I feel very rich indeed.

Monday, April 1, 2013

Catching up 4/1/13

Well then I have always been rather bad at keeping a journal, I suppose it is no surprise that I have not written since October.
The last 6 months have had a lot of ups and downs, many wonderful occurrences and a number of downers but in general life has been very good to me.

November: I started dating my sweetheart Leah and I am still just beaming with love and joy. She fits in to our family so very well and is loved by everyone in our home. I also celebrated my Birthday with a good gathering of friends and began to house/dog sit for Bill and Jeri for 3 weeks while they tromped all over New Zealand. The winter rains began just after I started staying in Boulder Creek and sure enough, the power went out, several times! Momo was an excellent puppy for me.

December: Still in Boulder Creek AND trying to keep up the household in Santa Cruz. Very tiring, lots of driving and keeping Cosmo with me all the time. I loved taking care of him but I really do not desire to have another dog.
CS Yule Celebration was a success and a whole lot of fun this year, at least 60 people.
I got to come home just before Solstice, had two vigils in a row. The Annual gathering at Matt and Jenya's then the next night the Coven got together and did another one for the Mayan rollover 12/21/12. Glad I did both since there was no sun to watch come up on the second day. But I got some really awesome pics of the Solstice sunrise. Joining us was my dear friend from DC, Neil was visiting his father, needed a break and some spiritual healing. It was soo good to see him.
We survived a decent Xmas with Skot's family. Robin seemed to be on her best behavior and the Uncles were truly pleasant to visit with. The kids made out like bandits, as usual.
The unfortunate thing was that Skot lost his job and our medical insurance. He has been pursuing new work ever since but it is a really tough market at a really hard time of year. I too started applying for work but with no success.

January: New years eve I was in a lot of pain which made the attempt to celebrate a whole lot less than groovy. But ring in the new year we did and had loads of fun with the kids while they were out of school. Sometime in January I got a hankering for higher education and enrolled at Cabrillo for a night time Psychology class on Relationships. Finding time for my own relationships is always challenging; with a household to run, a non-profit to direct, a teenage daughter to raise and a stepdaughter to assist, an elderly mother to be a companion to; as well as the garden and all the animals I must tend to. Finding time to spend with my husband, boyfriend and new girlfriend has been rather tricky. But I do feel blessed and rather loved.

February: In early February Abra went out of town so we had Aya for 10 days, it was so very nice. Early on Nancy found out she was going to have an EDD tax audit, Skot and I were hired on for a couple weeks to help organize the paperwork and do some data entry. Good to help a friend but a brutal reminder as to why I cannot stand even talking to Steve Wyman any more. He made the whole process horrible.
But the money was nice, well timed and much needed. At the same time I got my tax returns and Skot got the go ahead to claim Aya this year. Juan and I worked together on his taxes and got him a really nice refund that he plans to share with me. I began my Psych class and absolutely adore my teacher, she is a riot!

March: Spring seems to have exploded as well as a few other things. We have had quite an expensive 6 months. Since China passed away we also have had to replace the hot water heater, repair the clothes washer, repair the fridge, repair the furnace and then the dishwasher and the oven stopped working about the same week. My computer has been geting more and more glitchy as time goes on and I think there were a few other minor items...seriously I lost count!
A very good friend of mine offered me a gift that I could not even fathom, he had come in to some extra cash, saw that we were in trouble and offered it to us. Skot said he was not comfortable with it, Mom said it made her uncomfortable too. I was a little nervous about it but decided that if I gave it a goal then it would not be spent frivolously. The gift was $2500.00 and the goal was to fix the house. We bought a new stove and a new dishwasher aaaand while we have all this heavy stuff out of the way lets just replace the flooring! My kitchen wound up in my dining room for nearly a week while we fixed it up. We did most of it on the cheap so I still have a little $$ left over to replace the front door, something I wanted to do last year but ran out of funding after replacing the entire fence around the property and building a new bunny hutch.
The kitchen went back together days before Skots Bday party, which was a wonderful and fun event.
Right as he finished up the kitchen Skot got a call from a company he had been wooing since December, he got two more interviews and then offered the job! He begins April 2nd so he started building things and fixing things like no ones business! He built me a garden box 6'x14' and 2'high, we just need to fill it with dirt.

Mean while we have 9 new baby chicks (lost one during a transfer of cages) and started breeding the bunnies again. I was so proud of Pappa Ghost doing his business with our new Doe Mamma Say but I guess she lost them because there are no babies and she is 4 days past due as of Easter Morning. Since there will be so many more chickens Skot got to running wire fence for an extended run.
We also had a plumber come out and finally fix the bathroom sink! We now have a new faucet, running hot water and it drains properly! Jeez it's only been a couple of years now!

With my tax return I bought a new computer and Skot has transferred all my data. Now I just need to get used to it all. But before I get too cozy I decided I wanted to move my computer to the sewing room...why you say, well I bought myself a new program called Dragon, and I am so excited to get to use it. However it being a voice activated program I don't really want to be in the house with it, too much other stuff going on. So I went and bought 100' of CAT6 and we ran it to the garage, next I need a desk and to make some space out there. Sweet! I can finally start dictating my documents, lessons and meditations.

Also a continuation of things with Tymn. We have met several times over the last 6 months, kept in touch by FB and have generally been working towards peace. I am in hopes that I will even get to see Zoe this week. I should go out and get her a Birthday present, she will be 17 in a couple of days.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Tightening the screws

Just so I didn't feel like the universe had forgotten me and because my weekend was so...uneventful. Friday October 5th I drove over the hill to have lunch with Tymn.

I had no idea what to expect, no idea what we might talk about, no idea whether we would be in tearful puddles again or if by chance we might have an argument.

I mean the Astrology for the week was astounding! 3 planets changing signs and two others going retrograde all in a matter of 5 days! Mercury was heading in to Scorpio, anything to do with Mercury affects our communications. While the sign Scorpio tends towards intensity, hidden feelings and sometimes that good ol' scorpion sting.
But on the other hand Venus had just shifted in to Virgo, our planet of relationships in the sign of organizing, precision, kindness and in some cases critical judgments.
I just didn't know what to expect!

I was nervous at first but then I was terribly early, all my morning chores were done so I wound up navigating the hill and sitting in my car for a half hour playing on FB. There I noticed that Tymn had posted that he was sick, oh noes. I shot him a message that if he was too sick we could reschedule. But he didn't take me up on it.

I spent the next half hour reading a book in the restaurant, by this time my nervous jitters had worn off and I was mellow. Tymn showed up and we ordered lunch, he seemed nervous but we quickly settled in. We talked, chatted, exchanged stories. I was just so curious to see how he was doing, I asked most of the questions until he realized he was rambling. :) Then I related some of what was going on for me. By this time we were done eating, he offered to pay the tab, so I paid the tip. But we were not really done chatting so we went for a walk.

We talked about some more stuff, some just chatter, some of it was a little more emotional. I had this conception that he must have really talked bad about me because there was this woman who had contacted me wanting more info about our Open Circles. When I gave her the information and told her I was excited to meet her she back peddled, told me she was one of Tymns friends and did not want any contact with me.
I felt certain that she was just one of many I would get that response from in the new community he was building in the SJ area. I was saddened by my hurt feelers. But Tymn explained that this specific person had been a counselor and intimate friend, that she alone had heard some of his inner most pain and stories of our relationship and separation. That was a relief, however I am certain that there are others in his group of friends and family that would not be kind to me if I were to run in to them on my own.

It was then that we reached the park, we sat on a bench, but that makes it hard to speak face to face so we were both sitting funny to face each other. Do you know that park benches are not designed for comfort?!
After a few minutes Tymn scooched closer and took my hand. It felt good, a positive way to connect energies while dealing with all this crazy emotional shit we were talking about. We stayed like that for quite a while, holding hands until one of us needed to gesticulate to make a point, but then returning to holding hands. It was really nice to see him clearly, to look in to his eyes and see both the pain, joy and sincerity there. My heart cracked open a little further.

I suddenly realized that in none of his stories did he mention his partner??? I asked about that and he hedged at first then related to me that they were on different healing paths at this time. I'm not certain what it all means but my guess is they are not as close as they once were. Or perhaps she does not agree with his reconnecting with me. Either way it seemed a little sad to me and to watch him speak of it he looked quite sad about it himself.

Although we were having a grand time chatting and talking my rump protested the damnable bench and the awkward sitting position so we started to walk back but down a different street. We held hands as we walked, giggling at how we couldn't decide whether to hold under or over. At one point we switched sides and every thing felt better. Silly, so silly.

Again I got the feeling we were not quite ready to be done talking when he whirled me around and gave me a huge hug! awwww, it was so sweet! My heart cracked open a little more. I noticed a nice spot in the shade along someones hedge just down the way where we could sit and finish our chat. When we sat Tymn suddenly wilted! I was worried that he had over extended himself while sick but then it appeared to be more of an emotional retreat. I asked him what was wrong and in usual Tymn fashion he danced around answering me. He caught himself doing it, laughed and finally answered me straight. The feelings of affection were overwhelming him and at the same time the unknown territory of our newly forged friendship as well as the status of his current relationship all collided in his mind. Hmmm

We had a long discussion of relationship styles, contracts and the like, it was good, it was solid. It spanned the here and now and our history with out creating too much friction. I was having a great time, food a walk, a few tears, healing touch and a lot of laughs. The opportunity to look upon the face of the man that was once my husband, a trusted partner who at one point had hurt me deeply. No, no one in my clan would understand my deep desire for affection with this man but here and now it was like a first date. I let it be what it was going to be, who knows when we would see each other next, who knows what topics we might cover then. But I have hope, I hope that we can mend the places where we did work well together. And for those things in our relationship that did NOT work well in the past I hope we can forgive one another for the hurt it caused and move on.

We held hands on the way back to the parking lot and gave each other a long hug, hearts and minds searching for whatever kind of connection was possible.

I grinned like a fool all the way to the fabric store, spent way too much money and then drove back over the hill. Along the way I got a text from Tymn thanking me for a lovely lunch. I just sort of floated home.

Saturday morning I had a dream that woke me. It was about Zoe and all the love we once shared. I lay awake in the dark hours of the morning crying, trying to think of a way to bring this up next time I talk with Tymn. I don't want him to think I'm just being nice so that I can see her again. In fact I am much more relieved that we can be friends than whether or not I get to resume a relationship with Zoe. I had told myself years ago when he put down the law that I was to have no contact with her that I was willing to wait until she was old enough to come see me on her own. She has grown and although I'm sure she still regards me with affection she is her own person now, with her own goals and things to keep her occupied.
But I really wish I could call her or talk to her at length on FB or something. I hope her father has told her that we are working on making peace.

Skot found me on the couch around 8am reading to keep myself from crying. He cuddled me and petted my hair. Then Aya came in and we pulled her in on top of us, she must be all of 35#'s now. Skot got up to make coffee and tucked her in with me telling her I needed some extra snuggles this morning. I cried in to her hair, thinking of another little blonde girl who once used to snuggle me on the couch. My heart cracked open a little more.

Gawds healing is uncomfortable at times!

More screws in the head

The weekend after seeing my Sis, Skot and I drove to Santa Barbara for his cousins Wedding.
I had not been back to SB in nearly 20 years since I lived there with my first husband.

So I got to give Skot the abbreviated tour from the Highway. This exit is where I used to live, this exit is where I used to work, that exit was where I used to go for lunch, yadda yadda. All the while I'm running the tapes in my head of all the time I lived there, the things I learned, the things I wish I could forget.

We got in to town and stopped at the very first restaurant we saw, a little Mexican place in Carpintiria. Then we checked in to our hotel, freshened up, changed clothes and bolted back out the door. We arrived at the location but suddenly realized we had no idea 'where' the in this place the wedding was at.
After dashing around the front of the hotel we saw the bride...down the street with her gaggle of brides maids. We strode off at a brisk pace noting the wedding pavilion off in the distance on the beach. We made just in time, the family that recognized us grabbed us up in hugs and greetings and drew us off to sit on the Grooms side near the front. Hence the fabulous photo I got!

After the wonderfully crafted slightly bohemian Jewish ceremony we all trotted off to the reception area, upstairs in the hotel. We ate, we drank, drank some more, ate again, a little bit of dancing. All in all a good night.

The next morning I took him up the mountain to a vista point totally worth it! We were there for about 45 minutes. Just as we were about to leave I noticed the gas tank was empty...oops. We had to drive back in to Goleta to get gas but decided that a trip by Lake Cachuma was not to be missed so we went back over the pass, stopped for lunch by the lake then drove on Home.

A magical trek through California at the peak of Indian Summer. We noticed miles upon miles of vineyards as well as miles and miles of  vegetables. Truly we live in a fertile land.

This trip was not as mind blowing as the last two but I did get to mull over and process a chunk of my emotional history.

Keeping it together

Well if one mind blowing event wasn't enough try 3 or 4 in a row!
#1 After making an initial pass at Peace between me and my ex-husband. I traveled to Sac to see what my sister was up to.
It's been a while since I'd seen my Sis and I had heard that her and her Hubby had opened a new Yoga studio. Yoga? really? I mean they used to teach aerobics together, about 20 years ago! But Yoga, in my opinion is not just a set of body movements to get muscle tone so ... what were they up to?

She invited me to come up on Saturday to a little music festival but it turned out to be a fundraiser and Skot and I had just had the most expensive 60 days in our entire 5 years together! (the dog, the river trip, the car needing repair, D's Bday parties x 2, the internet provider, the phone line, the hot water heater blowing up and the refrigerator needing repair) We were broke!

Then my sister did some thing she has never done before... she used guilt. "I never ask you for anything, please come, I will pay your way."
Blown away! This must be really important to her so yes we are going.

We drove the 200+ miles to get to her and experience a fun little festival at someones ranch house. Butch and Chel had set up a booth for the Yoga studio and gave a prize to the Raffle pool. We had a good time, I got to visit with Chelly and go shopping at the little booths. But I had yet to understand why this in particular was so important to her.

It was after the dinner hour and we had munched on yummy savory crepes that the singer Chelly had been talking about came on. She was very sweet and sang some very moving spiritual songs, mostly in native american and then in Sanskrit, if she could have gotten everyone to sing with her it would have been a Kirtan. To my everlasting surprise when she came on she got everyone to OM with her and my Sis was right there with it. To my continuing surprise she also sang along with the sister singing Sanskrit!

#2 She explained to me later that the singer had performed at their studio, had taught everyone the words and then Chelly bought her CD. So she had been practicing. I was awed this was not what I had expected.
Later back at the house we had a late dinner and chatted it up with Butch. He was excited to get us to the studio the next morning. I was being a total wimp and explained that I am a very lazy and slow practitioner of Yoga, could I please sit in the back and just take my time. That is when Butch blew my mind with one of the kindest and wisest statements I have ever heard him say. "It's ok Mik that's why they call it a Yoga Practice, not a Yoga Perfect." I busted up laughing.

So right he is and that statement has kept me smiling all the way home.

The next morning we trouped off to the studio an absolutely gorgeous place (of course since my sister put in all the decorations) we 'practiced' in a 90 degree room, the sweat was pouring off of me and Skot but we had a good experience.

After lunch we drove home, well Skot drove, I snoozed!

I love my Sister and am so glad she has found a spiritual path!


Monday, September 17, 2012

Keeping ones head screwed on

 I showed up early and placed my tent in a most inaccessible spot well away from any other campsite. It would turn out to be a lot of extra walking and my legs were already beginning to feel the burn. I had learned the day before that the event I was attending was also to be attended by "him" and I was a nervous wreck.

I waited in the guest house hanging out with my hostess who promised to be my support should I need it if a conflict arose.
Conflict that is what I expected and I was terrified of it. I had tried not to let my imagination run away with me but never the less I had envisioned all sorts of anger and nastiness from this person. I was tense and stressed and the group finally had dinner together but this person didn't show up until the last minute. Watching them from the corner of my vision I kept myself in low profile, my eyes averted hoping to avoid any 'scene'. They came in and hugged all their friends and avoided me as much as I avoided them.

Earlier that afternoon I had volunteered to help with the ritual, but at this moment all I wanted to do was crawl back and hide in my tent. We all gathered at the edge of the circle, received a sage blessing from our hostess and took our place around the circle. Our Priest called the group to attention explained our purpose here at the fire; to find balance in ourselves in this season through the elements. We were to walk this marvelous 4 spiral labyrinth and seek the guidance of Earth, Air, Fire and Water. He then turned and called in Air we all did, then my turn, I called in Fire, we all did, then Water then Earth. Once the spiral began I was to begin the chant, I was so nervous I could barely breathe, I could hardly sing, my voice felt like ash in my throat, my stomach was in knots. I had to pass this person over and over as we wended through the spirals. I kept my eyes on my feet and thus got reprimanded later for being hard to hear.

Finally we were set adrift to circle the fire or drum as desired. I was rooted at the edge unable to brave my way to dance or even walk the circle. Finally I just sat, the ash in my mouth and what felt like a five pound weight on my chest. Fear. Fear of confrontation, fear of ridicule, fear of an others' spite or anger.
Finally a friend came by and asked me "was I ok". These words apparently are some hitherto trigger to my subconscious for I burst into tears and continued on with gasping sobs for several minutes while he patiently hugged me and patted my back. When I could finally speak again I told my friend that I was just too afraid to enter the circle yet. He checked my energy and just shook his head.

I watched for a while as the group danced and chanted and drummed. Finally the person I was avoiding left the circle to get some food. I took my chance and several deep breathes. I visited each quarter altar asking for guidance and blessings. The drums picked up and I was able to drop in to trance. My eyes barely slits so I could just see the fire and the other dancers. I spun, dipped, swayed and flowed with the rhythm of the drums, my tension receded to a corner of my mind and I was finally free to twirl in ecstasy for the fire, for myself.

When my breath and legs finally gave out I twirled toward the drummers and gave a low bow in gratitude. I opened my eyes to discover ‘he’ was among them. My heart jolted and hammered and I nearly ran from the circle, shocked to realize we had been that close, and then kind of curious. As I bundled back up in the necessary layers one needs to be away from the fire. I sat and contemplated his nearness, the fact that he was drumming while I danced. That his face held no show of disgust, no judgment, no reprimand for invading his holy space. I decided that that was enough for tonight. My tension levels were back up and I feared to tread any further so I headed off in to the night, to my tent, way the hell off at the bottom of the ravine, where no one could sneak up on me.

It took a while to get to sleep that night, so many things whirling through my head as I listened to the remaining revelers dance into the darkness. But sure as the sun comes up I was awake and by my standards of vacation it was too bloody early. 

However my bladder and my stomach conspired to get me up and out. I made it to the guest house around 9ish, fed myself, showered and headed off to the ponds for some reading. It was quiet and restful, the sort of weekend I had hoped for until I had learned 'he' would be there. I really had no idea what to expect now, there had been no vengeful scene, no glowering, and no confrontation. Was it really going to be ok?

 I realized I had a whole day to kill before the night’s revelry of another fire circle. 11:30 I was hungry again, I put my book away and headed for the guest house. Just as I rounded the corner heading up to the kitchen we encountered one another. I tried to vanish but it didn't work. I looked at him, smiled and said 'good morning' and turned to dash up the path. He replied 'Good's nice to see you'. That last part stopped me in my tracks, I whirled around and looked at him square in the face and asked 'Really?' Thinking to myself how could he be glad to see me??

'Yes' he said. My mind was reeling; his voice was filled with kindness as were his eyes. I was rooted to the spot as he approached me. We started talking and I really cannot remember all of it but at one point I complimented him on his earrings. He pulled one off and handed it to me. Again I was utterly stunned, kindness and now a gift, a peace offering. They looked like screw heads and he told me they were holding his head together which made me laugh. We hugged, very tentatively at first then both of us burst in to tears and hugged again more fully. The five pound stone suddenly dropped off my chest and I could feel, feel the tentative compassion and longing from this other.
Awkwardly we decided to go sit and talk privately, we were both shaking, crying, nervous and surprised. 

The sharing here was intimate, heartfelt and heart rending. We exchanged a few stories and a few thoughts. We shared a longing for peace and repair. The air was so thick about us, the stories worded so carefully as to not place blame but to share one’s own feelings. We were so close to something, some sort of break through. But we were interrupted by others who needed the space we were in. If not for having to disengage from that moment I think we would have continued our heart sharing for quite a bit longer. But we were both in shock and needed to take care of our personal needs. 'He' headed for the shower; I headed for the kitchen, still clutching the proffered earring.

I ate, I know I did because I had avocado all over my face and crumbs down my front but I don't remember eating it. I could not stop crying. The tears ran freely down my face and neck as I stared in to space and reviewed the sudden and miraculous turn of events.
It was at this point I made my decision to fully embrace the miracle. I took out the earring I usually use to represent my father and placed this gift in its place. Now I had one screw to help hold my head on. =)
'He' stopped by my table and asked if I was, I replied but I was hanging in there. We held one another's hands for few moments and then he departed to get himself some food.

I was approached and chatted with by another but my head could not wrap around it. Then my friend reappeared and I asked if he would take a walk with me. We wandered around and bounced out of a couple conversations with others until we found a spot in the shade where we could talk alone. I related my experience and this friend knowing us both and had some very kind counsel for me.
The shock and adrenaline had worn off by then so I went to my tent and took a nap.

When I awoke it was late afternoon, I lay in the tent writing in my journal trying to sort out all the chaotic feelings I was having.

Dinner at the guest house again, we were able to share space and meet one another's eyes. I met and chatted with several members of the group. I shared an awesome conversation with the evenings Priestess then received a massage from a lovely woman who offered it when she saw how much pain I was in. I greeted a few late comers that I knew, and then got dressed up for ritual.

Ready and prepped for the evening’s festivities I helped our hostess schlep some food out to the circle.
Again we entered sacred space with a smudge of sage, we stood in circle and listened to the Priestess explain the evenings goals, again it was about balance but this night we were to ask the universe at large for the answer to how we might better create balance in our lives. I swear she looked directly at me a few times, stressing a few points. We called in the elements and started the swirling dance and chant. My bodily pain escalated and I faded off to get a drink and beg for pain killers. My hostess happily gave me some with caffeine in them for good measure. The pills and the wine relaxed me and without the weight of fear in my heart I danced and swirled to my heart’s content.

I was resting a moment when 'He' began a chant of haunting familiarity. I was thrilled I was going to be able to bear this memory and greet it with great joy. I rushed to the circle and joined in to the hypnotic song. It had been a very long time since I had heard this tune or his voice for that matter. I had forgotten just how much I liked it, just as much as I had forgotten that 'he' likes to get everyone started singing the base line before he starts in on a more complex verse layered over the top.

The words he sang poured over me like liquid flame. Memories firmly stowed in the back of my mind flooded forth, freed from their captured and frozen state. Good memories, fond memories...loving memories.
I careened out of control and spun off in to the night. I sat down on a stump as the memories and tears flowed. Oh dear Goddess! The love that once was and had been forever lost to me. I gave myself up to the wave after wave of emotions, all I could do was sit and hold my hands before me in supplication to the energy from the center.

The song faded, the drums shifted and I realized I was chilled. I dashed for my cover up, coat and blanket. I sat in my chair and just shook with unbridled and rampaging emotions.
Our evenings Priestess materialized out of the darkness, she stopped and asked me how I was doing.
Yeah those three little words sent me off in a torrent of sobbing again. She stayed and talked with me for a while. I finally tried to explain that it felt as if I had just had duct tape ripped off an open wound in the middle of my chest. For one that I had loved so deeply, so long ago was here. That I had feared hate and rejection and had received love and compassion and now all these memories of love and good times were flowing forth in my mind.

I asked her then if she knew who I meant. She said she did, I asked her if she knew who I was, she said she did not, not fully.
"I am Tymn’s ex-wife" I explained "and we have not spoken face to face in over 5 years." and in that moment realization dawned in her eyes.
Astonished she gave me praise for being willing to go through what I was going through. For the bravery she suspected it took for me to be in this space. And then she firmly dragged me off for chocolate, wine and more hugs.

The rest of the night was sort of blurred. I really really wish I had had more time to talk to him. I think there was so much more to say, I just did not know how to start it nor did I wish to drag him away from his evening just so I could 'process'. So I let it go and just watch him as he drummed, and sang and danced. Memories flitted and battered my mind and the tears ran freely down my cheeks.

I lost stamina about 3am and wandered off to bed. I could hardly get to sleep with all the emotional turmoil, the continued drumming and the deflating mattress. But I did sleep some and woke again, damn it, far too early for a vacation. The pain in my leg was worse now and the thought of trekking up and down the hill was too much to bear. I decided it would be wise to just break camp and load up my car. Then I drove back up to the guest house. 

I was intent on cleaning up my stuff but got drawn in to another conversation. 'How are you?' she asked and the tears started again. I was unaware that I could cry so damn much at the drop of a few simple words. I explained to yet another one of 'his' friends who I was and what was going on. She, like the others, looked immensely surprised and then she dashed around the table to hold me in a very kind hug.
We were just finishing up our chat when Tymn came up the trail. We greeted one another and gave each other a hug. Shared some random small talk of the fire, the lack of sleep and the hangover. He offered me coffee and I accepted. We sat at the kitchen table and chatted amicably with his friends around us. All were now aware and it seemed their interest was keen despite the grogginess.

I finally checked the time and excused myself to finish gathering my things, I loaded them in the car, slipped in to the shower for a quick rinse then returned to the guest house. I was glad to see they were still there hanging out and chatting. I prodded my hostess, Susan, for a hug, then Shimmering Wolf. Tymn jumped up next, we not only hugged but held on to each other for several moments, letting the energy flow between us unhindered by fear, looked deep in to one another's eyes and then he gave me a parting kiss. (WOW!!)
Staggering from this I got a huge hug from my friend, Bear, and deliriously waved farewell and got in to my car and drove home. Not entirely sure how, I don't really remember the drive. Something to do with sleep deprivation and emotional shock but the car knew the way home and all the rules of the road so I was safe.

I feel like I had a rocket explode inside me. My heart is raw, my head is spinning and I hurt like hell. I reminded myself that I did some spell work on Wednesday night. A dark moon ritual with Hecate, asking her for clearing and openings, Good grief!

Not certain where this leaves or leads me but I am certain that it is better than it was before. One must lance the festering wound before it can begin to heal properly. And now I have at least one screw in my head to try and hold it in place.

Blessed Be.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

7/28/2012 Dog gone :(



The family has finally come to terms with the facts. China is not getting better and is slowly declining due to her inability to control her bowels.
It is with heavy hearts we chose to have her euthanized but with full recognition that she will be much better off not having to deal with the indignities of wetting herself, not being able to stand or jump or even wag her tail.
Several people came by to visit over the last week and some of our loving friends gave us funds to pay for her treatments. We had a small gathering of friends last night, all took turns giving China treats and love.

This morning we had our mobile vet put China to sleep, may she rest in blissful peace running through the fields of Summerland eating the bees and wallowing in super stinky things to her hearts content. May all the Fey revel in her beauty and love while rubbing and petting her until the fur flies off in drifts of coppery snow.

Thank you every one for your support and love we will all miss 'China the Gate Keeper, Greeter of the Masses'! My only dog ever and beloved companion of the whole family.